Oh how I long for some rhythm to my life.
I long for some structure.
You know the kind I mean; where the kids are in school Monday through Friday and I worked 9-5 those same days. Grocery shop Tuesday. Wednesday night Bible study at church. Cleaning list with jobs to do each day of the week. Friday order pizza. Sunday church. Begin again.
I’ve always been a list person. A calendar person. It started with my first job when I took my calendar above my desk and highlighted different blocks of the month; each color assigned to a certain task that needed completion. After I was married that same need for order turned into a calendar for bills and, over the years, various chore charts. Each getting revamped with new stages of life.
My life has no consistent rhythm.
The rhythm ended quite a few years ago. I didn’t know I was sick then, I just knew that I was so tired when I would come home from work that I was pushing myself to make dinner; eventually bringing home bags with various fast food logos replaced that push. I was tired. I was stressed. My body ached so bad that I’d come in the door from work and head straight to my bath tub and soak in the heat. I’d lay there until I needed to drain some water out and add more to heat it back up.
That marked the beginning of the end of all rhythm.
Frustration sets in whenever I’m having a day bad enough to keep me from whatever it is I thought must be done that day.
But then I read in James chapter 4 beginning with verse 13…..
13Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
Those verses really made me think about how much I wish to control my own life. Down to the little things; like what day I’m going to clean the bathroom. Instead I need to be saying that if it’s the Lord’s will to give me the energy and strength to tend to certain tasks then I’ll be able to do them. If not, well, then that day will be spent doing whatever I have the strength to do, even if that’s just enough strength to cuddle my grandson.
Now I can’t tell you why I’ve developed FM/CFS. I can tell you that our world is full of illness and disease and I’m no less susceptible than anyone else on this planet. Why me? Why did I have to get this? Well….. why not me? Why does anyone have any physical problem or illness and not another. I stood in line at the pet store today, holding my bag of dog food, while behind me was a young woman who did not have any arms or legs. She had prosthetics in place of all four limbs. She followed us out of the store and got in her car, the driver’s side of her car, and drove off. I was in awe of her. I have FM/CFS, that’s the state of my health. Everyone has their “issues” and “problems”. All I know is that I can handle it because God doesn’t allow us to go through more than we can handle. So I accept my condition and try to adapt my life in order to have a full life in spite of it. It may be different than I had planned, but following God’s lead in what I have the strength to do each day, it can be a full, joyful life!