Yes.  I am aware it’s 2:44 a.m.  Yes, I am aware that someone with fibromyalgia has to be sure to get a good night’s sleep.  Yes, I am aware that the longer I’m up the worse the pain in my legs keep getting.    Yes I am aware that I am dangling my legs over the side of the bed and kicking them back and forth due to the pain of restless legs and the desire to try to distract my nerves which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t.  Yes, I’m aware that not getting enough sleep is going to make the pain worse tomorrow.  Yes, I am aware that I have a lot to do tomorrow to help my daughter as we get ready for my grandsons first birthday party this Saturday.   Yes, I’m aware I’ve caused this to some extent by opting not to take my nighttime Elavil pill because I wanted to be up later since we were going to watch the fireworks.   And yes, I’m aware how important it is to take all your medicine as prescribed!

However I am also aware that my husband isn’t home tonight because he is working a 16 hour double shift consisting of midnights tonight and days tomorrow.  I’m never able to fall asleep easily when he’s gone.  I hate the empty bed.  Add to that the fact that I had a frozen coke at the fireworks tonight and the caffeine that late is keeping me awake.

Yes, I’m aware caffeine and sugar are not the friends of someone with fibro, fatigue, and PCOS.

I have come to learn that a person with chronic pain is very keenly aware of how everything affects their body.  Usually more than we’ll ever say.  Sometimes you chose that option, like the taste of a frozen coke, over the knowledge of what that’s about to do to you.  The reason could be that you just want to feel “normal”, like you can eat things other people eat because their bodies haven’t decided to become their arch enemy.  It could be the fact that without that bit of caffeine and sugar you won’t be able to stay awake until the end of the fireworks; and you want to be there with your family and enjoy the time together as your grandson sees them for the first time.

Sometimes I just don’t want my life to be dictated by this disease, syndrome, disorder or whatever you want to call it.  Sometimes I want to call the shots.

Being able to call the shots comes with a cost.

Sometimes I just chose the cost.



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