To bring me what? Well, I guess that’s exactly the answer I’m about to find out.
A short time back I had decided that my life was totally and completely out of balance and it was time to do something about it. I had no idea the total turn things were going to take.
As I write it’s now 11:50 am. On my typical Thursday I’d be in my dress clothes, I would have probably answered 20 phone calls by now, assisted three staff members, approved two loans, responded to 12 emails, met with four members and set up three appointments. Making decisions at every turn; some little and not important, some bigger and very important; usually all while someone else was waiting outside of my office to be the next to grab my attention.
So how’s today looking so far. I’m still in pajamas, dishes are soaking in the sink, my daughter has texted giving me her lunch order so I can have it ready while she breezes through the house on her lunch hour, got the cat out of my husband’s dresser, found that the weekly menu list has been changed to read “mom’s home to cook from now on”, and received another text from my husband with a request for a particular meal for dinner. My only two decisions so far today have been if I wash towels before or after darks and do I watch something on NetFlix or surf the net. All while the dog stares at me wondering when I’m going to leave so he and the two cats can start their poker game; or whatever else they do while their home alone on Thursdays.
What’s happened? I quit my job yesterday. A very good paying job, with co-workers who were more like family, customers/members I loved and the actual work itself that I honestly loved, and was pretty good at – if I do say so myself. So have I gone crazy? Ah, not quite. But I was well on my way.
My job was pretty significant and so it made me feel pretty important too. I liked that. I liked feeling knowledgeable and having a job that helped people. I liked being able to answer questions the staff had or at least knowing who to get the answers from.
So why walk away?
I think everyone has their own level of what they can and can’t handle. Some people pass out at the sight of blood; other people spend their lives as a surgeon without a problem. What you have to figure out is where your particular level is; and keep your life balanced so you stay under that. I didn’t have balance. I put my entire stress coping mechanism into my job. When I got home and I was asked what was for dinner I’d go nuts thinking I had just made 80,000 decisions today for myself and others, can these people who live in this house just make one. I was overwhelmed at times knowing there was a known, vast difference in the inequality of workloads and wishing some would work a little harder and help me out. So when I was needed by my mom, who recently lost my dad, I was overwhelmed and it was just one more thing on my to-do list.
I wasn’t putting my health as a concern. Relationships lost their place. You get the picture, right? And for what? For a title. To feel needed. To feel important. To like the number that appeared on the W2 at the end of the year. To, to, to – to what?
It didn’t start that way. I was never a career minded person. I only went full time at work because my husband had lost his job. It all came on slowly. I was good at the job. When I met someone and they asked me what I did, I had an answer that sounded a little important. Like I mentioned in my blog post, balancing act; it was a slow fade. I had my life in control.
Wrong person to be calling the shots. I quit leaning on God for direction. I got this. Me. And I’m pretty good at it. I didn’t forget about God. I still believed in Him and His power. But things were going good; at least I thought they were. So why bother Him? As time went on I was paranoid at the thought of making any mistake at all – at home or at work. Bitterness grew. I withdrew from relationships; the one with God and the ones with other people in my life. Didn’t trust the people who had a hand in the amount of work or stress I had – home and in my career. Felt unappreciated and like I didn’t matter much or why would they do this.
Yep, sounds psycho I know. But when you get to that point you know enough is enough. I tried little things to get back on track. Even this blog was part of that. But it finally came down to needing a huge change. Wow, not the change I expected. But the change that was needed!
When I was switching the laundry from washer to dryer I found myself singing an old song I had learned from a Gaither Vocal Band album when I was a kid, I believe it was written by Gary Chapman. “I’m yours Lord, Everything I’ve got; everything I am, everything I’m not; I’m yours Lord, try me now and see, See if I can be completely yours.” You could google the rest of the lyrics, their good! And I remember the whole song and have caught myself singing it repeatedly throughout the morning.
Ok, I know that sounds even more psycho but you know what shocked me more than the fact that I could remember those lyrics from 25 years ago? It was the fact that I was singing. I am happy today. I honestly haven’t felt this happy in a very long time.
Some may think this was a dumb decision, some may think this is a step of faith. But honestly, I’m not concerned with anyone’s initial thought. I’m concerned with this chapter in my life turning, and bringing glory to God as He shows His work in my life. That’s what He wanted all along. I invite you to watch! It’s going to be a wild ride. When you give in and submit to God’s will and way in your life it always is!
So stay tuned!
Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”